Being a mom is hands down the most rewarding job I have ever had, and yet, the most exhausting, scary and unnerving job with no expiration date, no contract, no vacation! 

In November, it will be a year since I joined this one and only Profession Mother and what a better way to reflect on my newly acquired position but to write “A-mom-to-moms rubric.” Because we all deserve recognition, special attention and the occasional “Thank you, Mom!” and not only on Mother’s Day. 

It is not as though we had a Profession Mother work schedule, starting Monday morning and finishing on Fridays at 5pm. No, no, no! We rarely even get a lunch break. We are on an all day long, 24/7, all year round schedule, with no vacation. Once a mom, always a mom…

So, I would like to say to all moms out there, regardless whether you are a mom-to-be, a new mom, a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a single mom, a step-mom, an adoptive mom or a grand-mom, Happy Every-Day-is-Mother’s Day! You have the most important and difficult job in the world - to raise a human being as functional and productive members of society! 

For all of you moms out there,

   “Profession Mother” will be your question and answer, a-mom-to-moms rubric on motherhood, children and everything in-between. 

Because when it comes down to childrearing, regardless of what we do for a living, we all have the same worries, the same struggles, the same questions, and we all look for answers, support, guidance and encouragement. 

We do not want to be blamed when our child is having a hard time. We do not want to be judged on how we mother our children, nor do we want to be criticized for having priorities other than our family, like time for ourselves, hobbies, work, shopping or simply getting our hair done. 

Unlike other professions, there is no degree in professional motherhood, yet all of us are expected to know how, “have a natural instinct,” “mother knows best.” I wish it was as simple as having a “mother instinct” but the truth is, it’s not!  We worry, we doubt, we question, we cry. We ask our own moms if we are lucky enough to have them around or other moms. It’s something like an apprenticeship, except you have only so much room for trial and error. 

So, for all moms out there, Profession Mother is here to stay! 

Acting out can look differently depending on your child’s development, their temperament and coping mechanisms. Some children shut down and refuse to speak, which can happen as early as preschool despite normal language development beforehand. Others act out physically - they may yell, hit, kick or punch when overwhelmed and may show limited ability to tolerate frustration.

Adolescents, in their own right, may engage in risky behaviors such as

• experimenting with drugs and alcohol,
• exhibiting physical or verbal aggression towards peers and adults,
• self injuring  
• acting out sexually. 

Simply, acting out is your child's way of trying to communicate or express something through action that is impossible to communicate through words; their unique way of trying to cope with thoughts, feelings or experiences that are overwhelming to them. 

For example, a teenage boy, whose father is being physically or emotionally abusive towards him at home, may be acting aggressively at school towards his peers. Or a girl, whose parents are in the process of divorce and are struggling to communicate respectfully, may have difficulty focusing on schoolwork and refusing to follow teacher’s direction. 

Unfortunately, it is not as simple as it may sound. There are varying degrees of acting out from truancy, self-injurious behaviors and angry outbursts, to suicidal attempts and violence, all of which can be scary and even paralyzing. When faced with such challenges, parents often experience an array of emotions, including doubt, guilt, shame, fear and anxiety. It is completely normal to feel this way!  

Trying to make sense of your child’s acting out behaviors, especially if they are adolescents, can be overwhelming and emotionally challenging for even the most stable of families. We look for answers at the psychiatrist’s or doctor’s office but often we find none, except for an even more puzzling diagnostic label - “Your child is Bipolar” or “S/he has a Mood Disorder.” 

As comforting as a diagnosis could be, I prefer to treat my clients as individuals, not diagnoses. Yes, conducting a diagnostic assessment and arriving at a definition of the problem is a necessary step in the treatment but it is only the necessary first step. The diagnosis helps us understand and describe the sets of symptoms a child is struggling with, for example, difficulties with affect regulation, inability to focus, irritability, decreased or increased appetite, mood fluctuations, etc., but it tells us little about the kid’s individual psychology. 

What is this young man or woman trying to communicate about their feelings? What is their individual experience? What are they trying to process or work through? How do their actions make other people respond? Are there other ways, healthier ways they can use to express themselves? What else could be going on?

These are some of the questions we try to answer in therapy. We try to find words for thoughts, feelings and experiences that have not been expressed before and that leads to different, healthier actions in the long run. We create a space for the unspoken, for that which tries to find expression through action. 

It is not simple; it takes time and commitment both on the part of the child and on the part of the parents. Sometimes medication is necessary, other times it isn’t. Either way, it is up to you to take the first step and then keep going. 

Do you have a child or adolescent, who is acting out at home or at school? Share your experience in the comment section below or email me your question at info@mishabernard.com. 

Residential schools provide special education and therapeutic services to students with psychiatric disorders that prevent them from being successful in a regular school setting.  

Typically, residential care is necessary when your child’s safety is at risk, s/he cannot be successful in a regular school setting despite special accommodations made to provide emotional and educational support, and, often, after multiple psychiatric hospitalizations.  

The decision to have your child placed in a residential school is usually made by the school treatment team as a part of his/her Individual Education Plan (IEP), and usually, it is the school district that funds room and board. As a parent, you are a part of the IEP team and your observations, wishes and concerns are taken into consideration when making the decision. 

For three years, I was a counselor and then a dormitory manager in one such special workplace, the Sonia Shankman Orthogenic School at the University of Chicago. The kids I encountered there were smart kids, sensitive kids, troubled but gifted, challenging and often very demanding emotionally. Their families could no longer manage them safely at home and reached out for help.

In order to meet their needs, residential schools provide 24/7 supervision, around the clock therapeutic services, including milieu, group and individual therapy, crisis intervention and special education instruction. A multidisciplinary team of dedicated professionals works together to address all aspects of your child’s life from leisure activities and schoolwork to psychiatric and medical care.

It is not unusual for schools to recommend family therapy as one of the many therapeutic services available to you and your child. In fact, oftentimes, it is crucial for the family to engage in the treatment for a long-lasting change to occur. 

Unfortunately, residential care is expensive and insurance companies rarely provide reimbursement for such long-term treatment. Not only that, but making the decision to have your child live in a therapeutic setting away from you is often a very difficult decision to make. Families often need extensive support when faced with such decisions or when they no longer feel in control at home. I continue to provide support to such kids and families in private practice. Because when it is all said and done, it is really worth it!